While social media often showcases picture-perfect relationships, true love requires ongoing effort, open communication, and a genuine commitment to growth together. Valentine’s Day may have come and gone, but the opportunity to nurture and strengthen your relationship lasts all year long. Despite what candy and card manufacturers might suggest, love isn’t defined by a single day or grand gestures – it’s built through everyday moments of connection, trust, and understanding.
While we may all dream of a perfect relationship, or even compare our own relationships to those we see on social media, creating one that stands the test of time requires effort, communication, and understanding.
According to psychologist Dr. John Gottman, there are seven key principles to a healthy, long-lasting relationship. Whether you’re in a long-term relationship or just starting out, these proven strategies can help you create a strong foundation for your love to grow.
1. Sharing Love Maps: Getting to Know Each Other Deeply
Imagine having a treasure map to your partner’s heart — it’s full of their past experiences, their quirks, dreams, and fears. This “love map” is your mental guide to understanding who they truly are, what makes them tick, and where they see their future going. To build a strong relationship, it’s crucial that both partners take the time to learn about each other’s love map.
This principle is about more than just knowing what makes your partner happy or what their favorite color is — it’s about understanding their emotional world. The more you know about your partner’s needs, desires, and dreams, the better you can support them. The deeper you dive into each other’s world, the closer you become.
2. Nurturing Love Through Fondness and Admiration
In every relationship, it’s easy to fall into the trap of focusing on the negatives — especially when conflicts arise or things get tough. But one of the key elements of a lasting, healthy relationship is consistently nurturing a sense of admiration and fondness for your partner.
This doesn’t mean ignoring their flaws or pretending everything is perfect — it’s about making an intentional effort to focus on their positive traits and the things you love about them. By regularly expressing admiration for your partner, you reinforce the aspects of your connection that make it strong. Even in moments of conflict, these expressions of love and respect help to keep the bond intact and remind you both of the reasons you fell in love in the first place. When challenges arise, these positive expressions can act as a cushion to soften the impact of disagreements.
3. Turning Toward Each Other, Not Away
We all crave connection, and in a healthy relationship, it’s important to feel that your partner is someone who you can turn to for emotional support, no matter what. That being said it’s easy to miss these moments of connection, especially when life gets busy or stressful.
When your partner reaches out — whether they’re seeking help, wanting to share something personal, or simply needing some attention — it’s crucial to turn toward them. This can mean anything from offering a listening ear to providing physical affection, depending on what your partner needs in that moment.
Turning toward each other shows your partner that you value and prioritize their emotional needs. It helps build a secure foundation where both partners feel safe, heard, and loved. When we turn away or withdraw, it can make our partner feel ignored or rejected. So, instead of pulling back, show up for each other!
4. Letting Your Partner Influence You: Strengthening Love Through Mutual Respect
In any relationship, compromise is key. But letting your partner influence you goes beyond just agreeing for the sake of avoiding conflict. It’s about valuing their opinions, perspectives, and desires enough to be flexible in your decision-making.
Healthy relationships aren’t about “winning” or being right all the time. They’re about finding solutions together and meeting each other halfway. Letting your partner influence you means being open to their suggestions, understanding their point of view, and adjusting your approach when necessary. It’s about mutual respect and the willingness to grow together.
When both partners are flexible and willing to make changes for the benefit of the relationship, it builds trust and strengthens the partnership. You don’t have to agree on everything, but by listening, empathizing, and compromising, you create a dynamic of cooperation rather than competition.
5. Solving Your Solvable Problems
In every relationship, there will be problems. Some are big, some are small, and some are simply a part of daily life. Not every problem can be fixed, so it’s important to choose your battles wisely. Focus on the day-to-day issues — like chores, finances, or social plans—that you can tackle together.
When addressing these, express your feelings without blaming your partner. Instead, clearly state how you feel, what you need, and how they can help. This creates a sense of teamwork and helps keep small problems from becoming sources of resentment.
6. Overcoming Gridlock: Navigating Conflict with Patience and Love
Not all problems are solvable in the traditional sense. Some conflicts keep coming up because they’re tied to deeper, more complex issues. These are the gridlock problems — disagreements that seem impossible to resolve because they stem from unmet needs, desires, or dreams.
To overcome gridlock, it’s important to recognize that these conflicts are often about something much larger than the specific issue at hand. Understanding the root cause behind these issues can help you both approach the conversation with empathy (refer to your love map here).
7. Creating Shared Meaning Together: Deepening Love Through Shared Goals and Traditions
For a relationship to thrive, it’s important to have a shared sense of purpose. This means aligning your individual goals or creating new ones together. Whether it’s building a family, traveling the world, or pursuing a shared passion, having common dreams and goals gives your relationship direction and meaning.
Creating shared meaning isn’t just about big life goals — it’s about the little things too. The small rituals, traditions, and values that you both cherish can serve as the glue that holds you together as a couple.
It’s important to remember that despite the grand gestures or picture-perfect moments we see on social media, love isn’t a one day celebration. It’s the daily actions and choices that show care, respect, and understanding – and is something we can nurture every day in the little moments that matter the most.
About the Author
Jill Rubinstein, LGPC, is a licensed therapist specializing in child, teen, and young adult therapy at Montgomery County Counseling Center. She earned her Master’s degree in Mental Health Counseling with a concentration in Marriage and Family Therapy from the Philadelphia College of Osteopathic Medicine. Jill is passionate about supporting her clients’ mental health and well-being with warmth and compassion.
