I like to call our thoughts, feelings, and actions that scream, “no more!” our make it stop reactions. Recognizing those reactions, assessing them, (making sense of them), and then deciding to do things differently can create less pain and suffering in our family system. When we are willing and make changes in ourselves, it invites others to do the same.
I work a lot with families who are dealing with addiction and alcoholism. Some of the painful experiences that surround dealing with these challenges in a family system would make anyone want to “stop it.” That reaction is instinctive and totally understandable.
We Can’t Force Someone Else to Change
The truth is, we can’t really make another human stop or start anything. We can request, we can invite, we can look at how we might be supporting the status quo, but our loved ones don’t have dials that we can turn. And really, we don’t want adult children, spouses, partners, siblings, etc. that are controlled from the outside. Yes, it would be amazing if we could miraculously stop them from doing things that are harmful to themselves or others, but then what? Humans change because they feel safe enough to change, not because we tried to “make them stop.”
I like to say, “You can’t throw logic on that grease fire.” By that I mean, trying to impose common logic on why someone would choose to do something they know is not good for themselves or others, is just going to confound and distress us. It will then increase anxiety, shame, etc. on their part. Rather, we can learn to understand that there was some reason for what they did.
All Behaviors Have a Reason
Our task is to figure out what it triggers in US and how we will engage in the family system differently. It’s like moving a rock in a stream, we know the water will flow differently, we just don’t know how. We’re not moving the water (others), we are moving the rock (ourselves). We’re doing something different.
The fantastic book Beyond Addiction by Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, Nicole Kosanke, and Stephanie Higgs addresses this instinct to “make it stop,” and how we might learn over time to shift our approach. In the book, they clarify that all behaviors make sense. I’ll repeat that, all behaviors make sense. Humans do not do things “just because.” There is always a reason behind an action. They may not themselves know what the reason is, (though their autonomic nervous systems do), but there is a reason. So, when our loved ones do self-destructive things or create upset in our families, there is always a reason.
Changing Yourself Changes the Family System
How do we engage differently? Well, first we grow accustomed to the notion that we can’t change the other person, only ourselves. But in changing ourselves we influence our loved ones and invite them to change.
Changing ourselves will make it far more likely that they might do so. People don’t change because someone makes them, or even because they get new information. They change because they feel safe enough within themselves to make a change and/or the pain of change has become less than the pain of staying the same.
The Familiar Family Pattern
Imagine a scenario with your loved one where they do the thing that is so activating and upsetting for you. They engage in the behavior that they’ve done many times before that always leaves you feeling upset. You know what they will do/say, they know what you will do/say. It’s an all too familiar dance that neither one of you likes, but you keep repeating it in an effort to finally be understood. (All of us are designed to seek a feeling of being understood and accepted so we can feel safe in our nervous system, but we so often go about it in ineffective and unsuccessful ways.)
Our human response is to spend a lot of time telling the other person what they need to do to make us feel safer, often in a way that is blaming, judging, or argumentative. We might think or say, “anyone would feel this way!” as a way of justifying our reaction to them. As you can imagine, that doesn’t create an environment of safety in which someone feels safe enough to explore themselves. This is why real change seldom comes from this type of exchange.
Recognizing Your Own Reactions
To help us recognize our unhelpful patterns and better understand our part in this exchange, we can reflect on these questions:
- What do you think of when you find yourself in that familiar scenario?
- How do you feel in your body?
- What emotions come up?
- What do you typically say?
- What do you typically do?
Does it look something like, “He always does this! It’s so unfair! He’s so unreasonable. He’s just doing this to be stubborn.” And how does it feel in your body? Is your chest tight, your shoulders, your throat? Do you yell? Do you slam doors? Do you wait your turn to talk, but when you do you tell them all the things they are “doing to you?” Do you just sigh and resign yourself to the idea that nothing is going to change and you just cut off for now and walk away?
Unless you are physically harming the other person, no judgement on any of these reactions. They are your human and autonomic nervous system knee-jerk reactions. However, they aren’t moving the needle on change. And they are keeping you in the cycle that is unhelpful.
Moving in a Different Direction
So, how do we do something different? Let’s rewind and recognize those moments where we can practice moving in a different direction. When I suddenly realize that I am in that familiar pattern, I can try to quickly notice what is happening in my body and make a move to create more flow.
For example, I can take a really deep breath, or maybe even say, “I need a minute and then I can talk.” And when I have the thoughts, “He always does this! It’s so unfair! He’s so unreasonable. He’s just doing this to be stubborn.” I can add more thoughts to these, such as, “I know that all behaviors have a reason and I don’t want to personalize this. I need a moment to step away and then come back to talk.”
Creating New Responses
Beyond Addiction calls this creating a new response. And it’s one of the most powerful things you can do to create more health in your family system, and in your own nervous system. Here are some examples given in the book. Remember, these are specific to addiction and alcoholism, but you can see the application in a variety of behaviors.
Old Responses vs. New Responses
| Trigger | Response |
| They come home obviously under the influence. | Old Response: Standing at the front door and yelling about how irresponsible they are. New Response: This week, I’ll practice resisting the urge to talk to them when they come home under the influence; instead, I’ll go to a place in our home where I don’t see them and where I can focus on something else. |
| They ignore me/take a snotty tone with me when I ask how their day went. | Old Response: I take a snotty tone back and say something hurtful. New Response: This week, I’ll go in my room, relax, and tell myself I can talk to them more effectively tomorrow when I’m calmer. |
| They bombard me with nasty calls and texts and won’t stop until I respond. | Old Response: I keep texting back and forth late into the night (losing sleep). New Response: I remind myself that I don’t have to respond when they’re treating me this way. I also know if they’re angry or agitated, now probably isn’t the best time. I’ll send one text telling them I’ll talk tomorrow when they’re in a better frame of mind |
This article has focused on dealing with how these behaviors show up in family systems dealing with alcoholism and addiction, but these dynamics and solutions apply to ALL family systems. Just replace addiction/alcoholism behaviors to other problematic behaviors.
Remember, you are the most powerful intervention you have on any system you are a part of. This is the way for you to have a sense of agency and control. You cannot control others, but you can choose to grow and change, which invites the same in others.
Self Compassion is Part of the Process
This last piece is critical and fundamental to change. In the midst of all these new moves you are making, don’t short yourself on self-compassion. Take a moment to take a deep breath, relax your body, and remember that change takes time. You are doing the hard work of altering your role in your family system. This is a huge gift to yourself and your family, and no small feat.
Remind yourself that you are doing good work and good-enough-work. Cultivate a kind inner voice and appreciate your growth and movement. This will allow you to feel more compassion for your loved one as well.
About the Author
Mary Kate Murray, LCMFT, is a therapist at Montgomery County Counseling Center in Rockville, Maryland, who works with children, adolescents, adults, couples, and families. Her approach is rooted in self-compassion, attachment, family systems, and trauma-informed care, helping clients better understand themselves and their relationships with greater ease and connection.
