From a young age, we learn the importance of self-control. As we get older, people communicate that message less directly but often reinforce it in stronger ways. Others praise us for getting things done, keeping it together, planning ahead, avoiding mistakes, and handling challenges independently. Behind the scenes, maintaining that image may require constant effort. Over time, that effort can lead to burnout, isolation, or even long-term sacrifices.
Self-control is often treated as something we can never have too much of. But what if that’s not entirely true? What if, for some people, the challenge isn’t learning how to gain more control, it’s learning when to let go.
What is Overcontrol?
Self-control is a valuable and necessary skill. It helps us navigate life, maintain relationships, work toward our goals, and respond thoughtfully rather than impulsively. However, self-control becomes less helpful when we no longer use it intentionally. Instead, it can become a rule we feel compelled to follow, even when the situation does not require it.
This is known as overcontrol: a pattern in which the need for control makes it difficult to respond to life with openness, flexibility, and emotional expression.
For example, healthy compromise requires us to consider another person’s perspective while also expressing our own thoughts and feelings. However, when self-control becomes overused, we may struggle to find that balance. We might silence our needs to avoid conflict. Over time, this can lead to resentment and disconnection. Alternatively, we may focus so heavily on our own perspective that we struggle to remain open to others. This can create tension in our relationships.
The goal is not to have less self-control. It is to recognize when self-control helps us move forward and when it holds us back.
What Does Overcontrol Look Like?
People who struggle with overcontrol are often not the ones others immediately worry about. They may be described as responsible, mature, hardworking, or as “having it all together.” Beneath that exterior, however, they may experience significant pressure to maintain control and have difficulty allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
The goal is not to take away the qualities that have helped them succeed, but to develop the flexibility to respond differently when those same qualities begin to create challenges. One way to begin building that flexibility is through the practice of radical openness.
How Radical Openness Can Help
Radical openness begins with recognizing that our perspective may not reflect the complete picture. It means being willing to challenge our assumptions, even when doing so feels uncomfortable. It involves remaining open to new information, feedback, and experiences. It also means acknowledging that there may be something we do not yet know.
Radical openness is the foundation of Radically Open Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (RO-DBT). This approach helps people who struggle with overcontrol develop greater openness, flexibility, and social connection.
Importantly, this practice does not not mean agreeing with everything, ignoring our own needs, or abandoning our values. Instead, it means creating space to pause, reflect, and consider other possibilities. This allows us to respond without automatically defending our perspective or needing to be certain that we are right. This skill can be especially challenging for people who struggle with overcontrol. Certainty, preparation, and having a clear answer can often feel like sources of safety.
Practicing Radical Openness
Practicing radical openness allows us to loosen our attachment to our expectations and become more willing to adapt, learn, and connect. This might mean expressing a thought instead of automatically keeping it to ourselves, considering another person’s perspective during a disagreement, accepting feedback without immediately becoming defensive, or allowing ourselves to try something new without needing to know exactly how it will turn out.
Over time, these small changes can have a meaningful impact. Singing or dancing without worrying about looking silly can make it easier to enjoy the moment and connect with the people around us. Approaching a new group of peers without rehearsing every word beforehand can lead to more natural conversations and stronger relationships. Being willing to learn from feedback or mistakes, rather than viewing them as something to avoid, can help us become more adaptable and continue growing over time.
Ready to Build Greater Openness and Flexibility?
For some people, overcontrol looks like appearing confident, responsible, and independent – as though they have everything together – while keeping their emotions to themselves. For others, it means experiencing intense emotions behind closed doors while working just as hard to keep them hidden from the outside world.
Regardless of how it shows up, relying on too much self-control can affect not only our relationships with others, but also the way we respond to our emotions, approach new experiences, and adapt when life doesn’t go according to plan. RO-DBT helps individuals develop a healthier balance between self-control and openness so they can build stronger connections, become more flexible, and feel more comfortable trying new ways of responding to life’s challenges.
If this sounds familiar, our RO-DBT Skills Class provides a supportive environment to learn and practice these skills alongside peers. Contact us to learn more.
About the Author
Jill Rubinstein, LGPC, is a licensed therapist at Montgomery County Counseling Center in Rockville, Maryland, specializing in anxiety, ADHD, self-esteem, relationship challenges, and life transitions. Drawing on DBT, CBT, Adlerian principles coupled with creative approaches such as art and music, she helps children, teens, and adults recognize their strengths, build practical skills, and navigate life’s challenges with greater confidence.
