In the first part of this series, we explored what our attachment system entails, what “attachment figures” are, and reviewed how attachment trauma plays into our sense of safety in the world. If you haven’t already read part one of this blog series, you might benefit from doing so here. In this section, we will explore the types of attachment styles.
Attachment style refers to ingrained, often unconscious, ways that we act and feel as we connect to others in our most intimate relationships. There are many different types of attachment styles. Here are the four most common ones.
Secure Attachment
Someone with a secure attachment style feels safe when forming intimate bonds. They are able to comfortably rely on other people and are dependable for other people in return. They often had caregivers with secure attachment style themselves. So that type of healthy interconnectedness and vulnerability in relationships has been demonstrated to them.
One popular example of a couple that outwardly display secure attachment with each other is Pam and Jim from The Office. They can be playful with each other, yet have serious conversations and open communication.
They navigate challenging dynamics at work and support each other while providing space when needed. They are not scared that the other person might reject them if they express care, and they easily reciprocate that affection with each other.
Avoidant Attachment
A person with an avoidant attachment style struggles to rely on other people and share vulnerable emotions. This attachment style often forms when caregivers were emotionally or physically unavailable, or did not consistently express love and affection. As a result, they learned to rely on themselves, as reaching out to others did not feel worthwhile. They might be super self-reliant and appear incredibly independent. At the same time, while they may want to feel closer to someone, they might act aloof, distant, or emotionally withdrawn, making it hard for people to actually relate and connect on a deeper level.
Lorelai Gilmore, while one of my favorite characters, is a good example of someone with an avoidant attachment style. She is characterized as highly independent – her self-reliance probably stemming from her overprotective and overbearing parents. She commonly uses humor as a defense mechanism to keep people at an arms distance and avoid admitting her vulnerabilities directly.
Anxious Attachment
Someone who is anxiously attached constantly wants (or needs) to be around others but worries others don’t feel the same way. This type of attachment style is characterized by low self-esteem and clingy-ness. As a child, they might have fiercely sought care from their caregiver, but their caregiver did not give the child consistent and safe attention and nurturance. Anxious attachment forms when the child’s need (ie: love, attention, shelter, safety) are met but with a cost or with strings attached. The child learned that in order to have these basic needs met, they had to figure out how to best approach their caregiver or get on their “good side”. Over time, this leads to hypervigilance because close connection becomes tied to fear of abandonment, loss, and anxiety.
Marlin, Nemo’s dad in the Pixar movie Finding Nemo demonstrates the anxious attachment style. Initially, Marlin is overprotective and neurotic about Nemo’s safety. It is implied that the loss of his wife and their other clownfish babies led Marlin to fiercely defend his last living son, Nemo. The fear of loss created a high level of anxious attachment for Marlin. He cannot achieve calm when apart from Nemo and struggles to discern between Nemo’s age-appropriate independence vs relationship rejection.
Disorganized Attachment
Someone with a disorganized attachment style experiences a mix of both anxious and avoidant attachment. Sometimes they crave overconnected closeness and other times, that may feel very unsafe. This “disorganization” often leads to unpredictability and chaos in their relationships. As a child, this person may have received mixed messages from their caregiver. Some days their caregiver may have offered safety and love. The next day, they were cold as ice for no apparent reason.
When a caregiver is inconsistent in this way, a child cannot safely form an attachment bond with them. As a teenager or adult, they may crave intimacy but also experience fear when faced with the opportunity for greater closeness in their relationships.
Elsa, the protagonist of the children’s movie, Frozen, is an example of someone whose trauma created a disorganized attachment style. She is a bit chaotic in her relationships, displaying push-pull behaviors. She craves connection but also greatly fears letting people in.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these styles? The truth is, most of us are a mix of a couple, or have all of these styles depending on the relationship. Notice for yourself: When do I feel secure in my relationships? When do I feel like I want to pull away from my loved ones? Remember, attachment styles are fluid and can change over the course of your lifetime.
Your attachment style can also evolve based on the attachment style of the person you are relating to. For example, a person with an anxious attachment style who is dating someone with a secure attachment style may feel more secure in that their relationship. This is because attachment styles can change and evolve based on where someone is in their own healing journey.
Therapy for Attachment Healing
There are many benefits to learning more about your attachment style. Gaining this awareness can help you better understand your patterns in relationships and how you connect with others. Therapy is an opportunity to explore what’s preventing you from connecting in the ways you would like and build the skills needed to create meaningful change. Your therapist can help you understand your attachment style(s) and support you in making shifts in how you relate to and communicate with others. Over time, you may find it easier to connect with others as your attachment trauma heals.
Either individual therapy or couples therapy can be helpful for exploring your attachment style. Many therapy modalities can be effective, as long as the connection with the therapist is strong and they have training in attachment theory. A therapist who understands attachment can provide a consistent, safe, and attuned environment that supports this work.
The therapeutic relationship itself is a great opportunity to practice secure attachment. When you are met with presence, consistency, and safety, notice what happens for you internally. Your reaction to your the
Attachment Style Resources
While there are many great resources on attachment, I draw heavily from two particular experts in the field. Jessica Fern is a psychotherapist and author of Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy. Diane Poole Heller, PhD, is a therapist and author of The Power of Attachment. They both stand out to me for their ability to hold nuance and understand the complexity of relationships.
If this article resonates with you, perhaps it’s a sign to begin working with a therapist. If you’re already in therapy, maybe this post can serve as a starting point for examining your attachment styles with your therapist.
About the Author
Eva Shpak, LCPC, is a licensed therapist at Montgomery County Counseling Center in Rockville, Maryland. With a focus on mind-body connection, Eva integrates somatic approaches, EMDR, and expressive techniques to support healing from trauma, anxiety, grief, and more. They work with children, teens, and adults, tailoring therapy to each individual’s needs, and have experience supporting LGBTQ+ clients and their families.